Life is so unpredictable. Just when you think you have a few things figured out, a curve is thrown your way. My teenage daughter overdosed on February second. Luckily, she was not successful. She came home from a bad day at school and just decided she could not take it anymore....her emotional pain was too great at that moment.

Part of me thinks it is attention seeking behavior. Part of me wants to smack her senseless. She has always been a difficult person to live with under the same roof. Always a challenge, always defiant but very ,very bright.

My life has not been my own since February second. I am taking each day as it comes, trying to do what I think is best for her. I need wisdom beyond my years.

Avoidance

I am sleeping way too much. I really want to hibernate and stop functioning. But I can't because I have children. I oh so want to escape the harsh reality of it all. I have been indulging in my favorite Trader Joe's comfort foods and good beer and playing lots of Word Search on Facebook.

I decided not to go to church this past Sunday because I did not want to cry around people. Although it is probably the safest place in the world to cry, I just could not make myself get out of bed. I need to look up the three stages of grief. I need to get started on my mother's obituary. I need to get my washer fixed. I need to call Legal Aid.

Not facing reality is a coping mechanism that backfires for me again and again. Going numb and not feeling anything are a few more. They all get me to the same place...stuck

Abby Normal

Adult Child ( I think I finally get it), Codependent, Low Self Esteem, Needy, Failure to Communicate, Boundaries, Rigid, Black and White Thinking, Magical thinking. Stoic, The Hero, Insecure, False Bravado, Desperate, Lonely, Approval Seeker, Fear of Intimacy, Loyal to a Fault, Feelings of Inadequacy, Fear, Victim, Guilt Ridden, Hurt, Shame, Overreacts to Change, Addicted to Excitement, Fear of Abandonment, Paralyzed Perfectionist (that one really suits me). Psychobabble. Jargon. Buzz Words. Lingo.

I live in fear that someone will find out the "truth" about me. What is the truth you ask? I am a fake, a fraud, a phony and someone is going to shout it out to the world. I am not good enough and constantly fall short of the mark. I bounce around like a pinball doing ten things at once never getting one entirely finished.

I may seem aloof, cold and distant but I am aching to be loved and praised. Don't come too close because I will push you away. I can't let you see the real me, way too scary.

Father Doesn't Know Jack

Saw my father on the corner yesterday and waved. When he climbed in the car, the smell of alcohol and old man nearly knocked me out. Status quo.

Rewind 16 years ago to the birth of my first child. I am in the hospital, alone, calling people with the happy news. I call John's Bar and Grille to leave a message that his granddaughter was born.

Rewind 40 years ago. I see my father lying on the floor, mumbling. I am seven years old but I feel disgust toward him. I feel too old to be a seven year old kid.

It is what it is and it was what it was. My father is and was a liability.

Strange Feelings

My mother died eight days ago and I am feeling everything at once or nothing at all. I have had an involuntary memory dump way beyond my control. Interesting fact: Cremations are very cheap in the state of Florida due to the high senior population. It is a case of supply and demand. I finally put the news on my Facebook status and I was dragging my feet. It felt crass and I wasn't sure what to say anyway. My Facebook friends care about me. They have also made an assumption my relationship with my mother was a good one. Only a select few know it was not. I refuse to sugarcoat this. I am still struggling with forgiveness. I have been struggling with this concept my whole life. I want to forgive my parents but I can't.