I like it like that

Every day I try to be a good, kind person.  Some days are easier than others.  I like my alone time.  I also like to socialize.  Manners are key.  Saying please and thank you are easy.  Holding doors for people is a snap. Letting a person go ahead of me in line is a piece of cake. It is said kindness has a ripple effect on the world.   It's my attention I have a hard time giving away.  My attention span is non-existent unless I do a lot of self-talk like "stick with it!" etc.   It's very difficult for me to be     100 %  present. 
So back to being a better person.  I think I have the good deed thing down.  I extend help to almost everyone.  Okay, I do mutter under my breath in traffic.  I try to take the high road whenever possible.
Sometimes I wonder if I am trying to prove something to someone.  It's like "see how good I am?"  That needs further exploration.  I want my motives to be clean and free from agendas. The question becomes:  Do I do nice things or gestures because I want recognition and approval?  Is it similar to receiving Likes on FaceBook?  

   According to Harvard University's Neurobiology Department, 

"Smartphones and the social media platforms they support are turning us into bona fide addicts. While it’s easy to dismiss this claim as hyperbole, platforms like Facebook, Snapchat, and Instagram leverage the very same neural circuitry used by slot machines and cocaine to keep us using their products as much as possible." 

Bottom line is when you get a like on social media, it releases Dopamine in the reward center of your brain.  Just like the episode on Black Mirror, Nose Dive.

It's JUST a Headache...

I started getting my cluster migraines a week ago today.  It came on insidiously while I was awake.  Atypical but not impossible.  It took me a while to figure it out whether it was a regular migraine or a cluster cycle.  I had the answer soon enough as another headache woke me up at 5 am.  Two injections of Imitrex down in the dark.  Those shots STING!
The thoughts and intense pain no one understands sets me apart in isolation.  I am afraid to sleep and living in a fog wondering when the next one will strike.  No one can relate except the fellow migraineur. I really would not wish this pain on my worst enemy (well maybe my ex-husband).

Thank God for Yoga breathing!  It helps while I wait for the Imitrex to kick in.  In the past, I would forego sleep and began watching the Walking Dead which I could relate to on a few levels.
Thing is a migraine is misunderstood and scientists really don't know its origin.  Lots of theories.
Few solutions.  In the past, I would stockpile my shots before it came to generic Sumatriptan.  My insurance would only allow six doses per month.  What do they know?  I still stockpile because you never know.

There are websites on how to make Imitrex last by carefully feeding the 6mg into diabetic syringes of 2 mg.  I have watched these videos and attempted the feat with marginal success. It's far too precious to waste.  Mega high does of Prednisone is also prescribed because everyone needs a sleep deprived, grumpy, hungry, sweaty menopausal woman staring them down.  I have lost too many days to this disability.  I have been judged by those who do not understand.

Happy New Year, Maybe

The holidays have come and gone and yes, I am relieved.  Phew!  Winter clothes have begun to hit the clearance racks and I think I saw a few bathing suits at Target. We still have a long way to go with the Winter months here in Pennsylvania where it could be 60 degrees today and a blizzard tomorrow.  On the bright side, the days are getting longer by a few minutes.
I was at the YMCA today before 8 am.  No, I do not want a pat on the back (well, maybe a little one).  I took the last Yoga mat for the group exercise class.  Welcome New Year Resoultioners!

Every January the Y fills to capacity inside and out with people who have sworn they are going to exercise more and lose weight.  I really wish them well but they annoy me to no end.  It's bad enough I am ALL THE WAY in the back of the room and can't see the instructor. It's bad enough there are two girls giggling next to me and NOT paying attention.  It's bad enough when I strike Warrior 3 pose my foot hits the wall and I fall.  It's bad enough the woman in front of me is shoving her considerable butt in my face during Downward Facing Dog.  I do not want to see your thong!

Okay, I am a drive on E, last minute Lucy kind of girl.  I should have arrived at the Y earlier.  I know the Resoultioners are coming, they always do.  They migrate to the YMCA like birds flying South.  They park illegally to be close to the entrance.  C'mon!  You are at the Y to exercise so walk a little!  I quietly weave my way outside through pink tutu's and sweaty,well-matched Under Armour outfits. Neon Nikes are blinding me.

I'll bide my time and try to be patient.  I am a YMCA Regular not a Resoultioner!

Test Trouble

Not that it is relevant, not that anyone cares but this job search thing is bruising my ego like a black banana. Mixed metaphor, simile what have you.  I tend to rush into things head first without thinking long term.  It's these online tests which are killing me.  Probably prescreeners to weed out unlikely candidates.  I don't test well, never have.  I second guess myself into a extreme self doubt and anxiety whirlwind of fear and mayhem. 
Why can't we just meet and discuss our thoughts?  I can assure you I will give it my best and then some.  I will go above and beyond the call of duty.  Automated resume screeners to pick out keywords may be somewhat efficient but resumes can be deceitful. A resume is your life and work history in two pages or less with action verbs and strong adjectives.  It all seems like a game of Poker to me.  Or that movie Catch Me If You Can  where Leonardo DiCaprio posed as a doctor and a lawyer and an airline pilot. 

Help Wanted

I am in the desperate phase of my job search almost willing to take any job just to get some cash.  I have applied to Aldi and never heard a response.  I also applied to WAG a on demand dog walking service but didn't pass their test on harnesses.  Oh, the irony since I have had a pet sitting business for nearly 20 years.  Hmmm....What does that mean?  Do I stink at pet sitting?
I applied to Shipt and was hired but...I only made $18 for a $200 grocery order which took me two hours to fill.  The suggested time was one hour, well, that didn't happen.  The customer was very nice and tipped me.  Sum total was $24 for three hours of my time plus gas.  Now what?

Do I go back to being a lunch lady?  Lots of manual labor, standing the entire shift, and surly teenagers.  I do like the kids at school.  I am not afraid of hard work.  The bills need to be paid. The island of the misfit toys atmosphere in the school kitchen is exhausting.  Endless drama because it is usually all women who are somehow competing in what I do not know.

 Ageism does exist in the job market.  No surprise there.  I am eligible for AARP but certainly don't feel like in in my head.

Premature Pumpkin Spicing

Summer is gone and Fall is here and I am always reluctant to accept the change of seasons.  The lack of daylight is slowly creeping in.  The kids are back in school and the pool is closed.  The endless unstructured days are gone in a heartbeat. 
This is also the start of the frenzied holiday countdown madness.  I don't want to deal with Christmas just yet.  August is too soon for the whirlwind retail world to display Christmas decorations.  It's hard to accept Halloween goblins in July. 
Why does retail drive which holidays we celebrate?  Why are bathing suits marketed in January?  I guess it's the same reason there aren't any available in August.  Eventually I predict the retail business will catch up to the actual holidays at the actual time since they are so far ahead of themselves.

I need money but I don't wanna work!

Me

I am 55 years old and jobless.  I went from working 20 hours a week to working 40 + hours AND commuting into the city.  I was an AmeriCorps volunteer for a non profit company working with seniors.  BTW, I still pet sit (shush, don't tell my ex husband who thinks I am independently wealthy).
Now what?  I honestly do not know what I want to be when I grow up.  The things I thought I liked are tedious to me now.
I finally got my Bachelor's degree last year and I thought it would make a difference.  I am not sure it does.  It seems a Master's degree is preferred in most fields.  I want to make a difference in the world.  Rebel without a cause and/or job.